I’m sure you have all heard American comedian Jeff Foxworthy list clues revealing that ‘you might be a redneck…’ For instance, ‘If you think that loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk, then you might be a redneck.’ Good one, Jeff. I have my own version, based on recent experiences with lifting heavy things at the gym, eating chicken for the past five months, and constantly studying my ass in the mirror. In a sincere effort to avoid becoming a complete diet bitch, here is my latest stab at fitness humour:
Signs that you might be a bodybuilder:
1. Your clit is bigger than a medjool date.
2. You have had complete strangers inquire: ‘Are you still having bowel movements?’
3. You would sell your father’s left nut for a bottle of Walden Farms pancake syrup.
4. If forced to choose between oral sex and peanut butter, you would hesitate a brief moment before making the obvious decision.
5. You regularly ask people to cup your balls and paint your ass.
6. You regularly agree to cup the balls and paint the ass of anyone who asks, free of charge.
7. You have enough protein powder stored in your home to survive a nuclear holocaust. You also have the muscular strength to defend your stash against an invasion of hybrid pigoons.
8. You think the invention of the Dyson ‘constant suction’ vaccuum pales next to the genius of meat scissors.
9. You instantly understand the following sentence: ‘Any tips on getting rid of GH gut so that I can fulfill my schmobligations at the Arnolds?’
10. Your belly button transforms from inny to outy and back every four months or so.
11. You periodically adopt black face without intending to comment on race relations or parody Ted Danson.
12. The first thing you notice about a woman is her glorious and shapely set of quads.
13. You learned the hard way that farting in an enclosed tanning bed is a bad idea.
14. You smile mostly with your eyes, and slightly with your vaseline-filled mouth.
15. You can think of ten more phrases to add to this list, but are too carb-depleted to type them up.
POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL POLL
You might base your answer on the following before and after photos. The picture on the left was taken in May 2010, and on the right just a few moments ago, in May 2011.