Time to be honest!
I’ve been in a funk friends. Down and out. Been full of self-doubt, having anxiety attacks for no reason and just generally unhappy. In the beginning I thought it was related to my body image issues. I’m training hard, eating well (maybe too well) but feel like I’m getting fatter. I feel disgusting. It’s frustrating. I want to live like a happy, fit lady who doesn’t have to follow a restrictive diet to look good. I guess that’s too much to ask. Anyway, that’s another rant.
In the past few days I’ve sunk deeper into the tar pit of sadness. I cry for no reason, have zero energy and don’t even want to be around anyone as it feels like it takes too much effort to pretend I’m happy when I’m not. A light bulb came on last night. My old blue buddy depression has his hooks in me again. I’ve been down this road before when I went through a horrible incident related to the purchase of my condo. I don’t want this for myself. I don’t want this for my friends and family! I know some people don’t understand what depression feels like and I try to be respectful of that when they say “just snap out of it.” Guess what though: it doesn’t work that way. I can’t just turn some switch off and make it stop. I KNOW my life is good. I KNOW my family loves me. I KNOW I’m healthy and blessed. I fucking KNOW all of these things but they don’t make the heavy weight sitting on my chest go away! Things are better in our lives than they have been in a long time…I just can’t escape the vortex of sadness that keeps sucking me down. I feel like something bad is going to happen. It is a horrible feeling.
I apologize to my friends who probably think I’m neglecting them. I’m not. I just have nothing to give you guys right now. I’m having a tough time keeping my head above water in my life. My sadness has impacted my self-esteem! I haven’t been able to date or even feel like I am desirable to men. Usually I am a flirt and love to be the loudest girl in the room!
I think it’s time I stop trying to do this on my own and go speak with my doctor about some antidepressants or perhaps I need my hormones checked? I’m not embarrassed to ask for help.
Thank goodness for my fitness goals! I have been training with Jen Sinkler for Powerlifting and it has made a difference in terms of staying away from overtraining. She is such a strong role model for women who want to be more than just an Instagram sex icon. Watch a video of Fitbabe squatting at: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Feminist-Figure-Girl/201409003234630
Anyway, I don’t need feedback on or pity as a response to this post. I just needed to get this out before my chest explodes.
‘Til next time.
Thanks for a great post. This is well written and relatable.
Thanks so much! I am working on dealing with these feelings everyday! Easier said than done!
I’ve been down that road before, bummer. The first few lines had me thinking hormones. That is barring a major (negative) life event, what else could it be? I suppose it doesn’t matter. What matters of course is treatment and when to decide if you will include medicine or therapy or both. It might sound cliche’d but it is brave and probably helpful for you that you have wrote about it. Chases a bit of the pesky shame away.
I really feel better that I shared this…my friends and family get it now! Thanks so much for replying…and yes, I may need to get outside my comfort zone and seek a new goal!