Tag Archives: figure girl

FML Diet Moments (Post #50!)

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Have you ever read that amusing site called ‘Fuck My Life,’ which asks you to ‘share your everyday life unfortunate moments and other fail funny stories?’ While I might not approve of this ungrammatical request, I usually enjoy the contents posted by ordinary people, including stories of pain, humiliation, and blind grandfathers who can smell you having sex with your new boyfriend on the couch. Although I consult this site on a regular basis, I never thought I would contribute to it. Unfortunately, I have had quite a few FML moments since starting my pre-competition diet in January. 

Incident number one: It is Friday evening and I am at a VIP opening for an exhibition of Continue reading →

The Lady Area

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Okay, first things first, try to calm down. I know you are hoping that I will discuss a certain part of the female anatomy. Or maybe explain the answer to my recent google query: ‘why is my lady area so puffy after taking tribulus?’ Sorry to disappoint, filthy beggars, but this week I am intrigued by the ‘women only’ zone in the gym. You know, that place where no man has gone before. Continue reading →

The Trouble with Tribulus

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I started my pre-competition diet 22 days ago and have lost 7.1 pounds so far. I am allowed to eat precise amounts of chicken, bison, egg whites, protein powder, basa, and skim milk for protein, along with brussels sprouts, sweet potatoes, and butternut squash for carbs. I have six relatively small meals per day, enjoying low, medium, and high food days. So far, it has not been too difficult, though I admit to having drafted another post called ‘FML [Fuck My Life] Diet Moments,’ in which certain challenges will be explained, hopefully in amusing detail. One small problem is that continually cooking sprouts makes my kitchen smell like German baby farts. More about that later. First it is important to note that the diet includes an extensive regime of supplements, taken at seven intervals throughout the day. I am not even sure what they are, and will shortly research them online, reporting my findings to you. Here is a picture of my organizational system, designed with containers purchased in the Alzheimer’s Aisle at the drugstore. It is right beside ‘Incontinence Corridor.’ According to my family history, I will soon be suffering from confusion and an inability to use the knobs on the stove, so this diet is helping me prepare for the inevitable. 

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There Aint No Shit in Bodybuilding

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I am not referring to tbe pre-competition need for laxatives, when bodybuilders consume 400 grams of chicken per day, without accompanying carbs or fibre. I mean that there is no bullshit, no faking it, when athletes stand on stage practically naked. Every flaw, every oversized trap, is out there for all to see. Both judges and trained members of the audience know that your strangely swollen belly—GH gut—was caused by hormone overuse, expanding your organs along with your muscles. We see traces of cellulite that cannot be fully disguised by Pro Tan. Even if the extra skin hanging from your newly Continue reading →

The Beauty Myth (with Mad Men Seasons I and II Spoiler)

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I finally got around to reading Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women, a bestselling book first published in 1991. I had avoided it, first of all because I am a snob who longs for distinction (see the previous post), but also because I was sure that I would despise it. I dislike populist versions of feminism, which tend to reduce hundreds of years of diverse forms of international activism to a few slogans and statistics. I finally had to admit, however, that The Beauty Myth must have struck a chord with at least some of its thousands of readers. As I sped through it, I found myself agreeing with many of its general observations. For instance, I was convinced that the apparent increase in female empowerment and movement into the western labour force during the second half of the twentieth century had met with a backlash in which rigid standards of beauty were more strictly enforced. Women were expected to be good looking as part of many job descriptions and could be legally fired for getting older or fatter, though now such firings would have to be done more cautiously, ostensibly for other reasons. 

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