This morning I awoke from anxious dreams to discover that in my bed I had been changed into a monstrous verminous fish. Lying awkwardly on my back, I twisted a long flexible spine while trying to move legs that were fused into a greenish-gray tail. I could catch only glimpses of this speckled body for my eyes were strangely immobile, showing mainly side views. There amongst the pillows I spied a small feline sniffing the air happily while creeping toward me. When its rough sandpaper tongue licked the whisker-like projection now growing under my chin, I felt a surge of panic. Oh God. Is this how it is all going to end?      

What was happening to me? I tried to cry out loud, but my thick oval mouth could only open and close, wordlessly. This was no dream; it was the result of a transformation that had, I finally realized, begun about four weeks earlier, when QMR Continue reading →

Have you ever read that amusing site called ‘Fuck My Life,’ which asks you to ‘share your everyday life unfortunate moments and other fail funny stories?’ While I might not approve of this ungrammatical request, I usually enjoy the contents posted by ordinary people, including stories of pain, humiliation, and blind grandfathers who can smell you having sex with your new boyfriend on the couch. Although I consult this site on a regular basis, I never thought I would contribute to it. Unfortunately, I have had quite a few FML moments since starting my pre-competition diet in January. 

Incident number one: It is Friday evening and I am at a VIP opening for an exhibition of Continue reading →

I started my pre-competition diet 22 days ago and have lost 7.1 pounds so far. I am allowed to eat precise amounts of chicken, bison, egg whites, protein powder, basa, and skim milk for protein, along with brussels sprouts, sweet potatoes, and butternut squash for carbs. I have six relatively small meals per day, enjoying low, medium, and high food days. So far, it has not been too difficult, though I admit to having drafted another post called ‘FML [Fuck My Life] Diet Moments,’ in which certain challenges will be explained, hopefully in amusing detail. One small problem is that continually cooking sprouts makes my kitchen smell like German baby farts. More about that later. First it is important to note that the diet includes an extensive regime of supplements, taken at seven intervals throughout the day. I am not even sure what they are, and will shortly research them online, reporting my findings to you. Here is a picture of my organizational system, designed with containers purchased in the Alzheimer’s Aisle at the drugstore. It is right beside ‘Incontinence Corridor.’ According to my family history, I will soon be suffering from confusion and an inability to use the knobs on the stove, so this diet is helping me prepare for the inevitable. 

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